It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.