My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.