By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.