“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit