The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.