Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.