Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
I am having an out of money experience.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.