Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
I am having an out of money experience.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.