Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.