“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”