Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.