I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.