I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…