Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.