I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”