My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck