In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.