Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.