There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”