My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”