I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing