I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.