I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.