If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.