Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.