I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do