Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
A wise man once said nothing.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.