I am having an out of money experience.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.