Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….