Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101