I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.