No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.