The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.