Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
A woman drives into a bar.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars