The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?