Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
A woman drives into a bar.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.