I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
A woman drives into a bar.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.