Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
A wise man once said nothing.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.