Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Jogging has never helped my memory.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.