Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.