I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*