One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.