My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.