When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.