The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”