Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.