Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……