Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.