My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy