If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.