The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”